


Wish You'd Kiss Me

by harlequintessential



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, F/M, I Am Damaged, POV Second Person, Songfic I guess???, anyway here take this i don't want it anymore, he just, i just, look i hate myself and i hate how sad this ending is and i just needed, scream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 14:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13766412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harlequintessential/pseuds/harlequintessential
Summary: He looks so broken. So lost and bruised and tired, and it punches you in the chest once more just how much you love this brilliant, beautiful, completely fucked up, absolute dumpster fire of a boy. Even after everything he’s done (everything you’ve done; you weren't innocent), You're still absolutely head over heels. You can fix this. Everything about him, everything that’s been crumbling in his life for so long, you can put it all together again.For the first time in a hellish few days, you allow yourself to hope.And the universe sees fit to immediately throw it in your face."I am Damaged", but in an easy to consume (if hard to swallow) prose package! More smooches this time, but still a hecking bummer.





	Wish You'd Kiss Me

**Author's Note:**

> Anything that's bolded and italicised, I didn't write. The lyrics to "I Am Damaged" are solely from the musical, please don't sue me, I am but a shy bean with very little money.

Sick guilt, fear, anger - and a whole helluva lot of love. Churning emotions twisting their sharp little fingers in your abdomen, causing your stomach to roll and your chest to clench.

He looks so broken. So lost and bruised and tired, and it punches you in the chest once more just how much you love this brilliant, beautiful, completely fucked, absolute dumpster fire of a boy. Even after everything he’s done (everything _you've_ done; you weren’t innocent), you're still absolutely head over heels. You can fix this. Everything about him, everything that’s been crumbling in his life for so long, you can put it all together again.

For the first time in a hellish few days, you allow yourself to _hope_.

And the universe sees fit to immediately throw it in your face.

JD’s staggering away from you. Turns, smiles. He’s crying. Cradling a mess of cables and plasticine to his chest (you didn’t know it was _possible_ for a bomb to look so homemade.)

“JD,” you gasp, not comprehending, because you _just decided_ that you could fix this, and he’s _not supposed_ to look so defeated. You can dump this bomb in the field, you can run, _you will carry him if you have to_. You’re going to fucking make it.

 **_I am damaged_** _,_ JD says, with that quirk to his smile, but instead of arrogant and flirtatious, it just looks _fragile_ , and so very, very sad. **_Far too damaged. But you’re not beyond repair_** _._

Neither is he. _Neither is he_. You can fix him, _you_ can fix him, _why is he talking like this is the end?_

His hand comes up, sweeps the sky like he’s Vanna White showing everyone what the the contestants could win. **_Stick around here. Make things better_** **.** The same hand comes back to rake up through his hair, that old nervous habit you’d found so fucking beautiful from the get-go. He huffs out a laugh, but there’s no humour to it. It’s a bitter noise, tainted with so much _regret_. Haven’t heard him sound so empty since you met at the 7-11 for the first time. **_Cuz you beat me fair and square._ **

No, no, you don’t want to fight anymore, _please, you don’t want to fight anymore._ you want him to stay, you want to be _beautiful_ together, you want prom, and college, and all those things you talked about. All those futures you promised. He’s breaking your fucking heart, he looks like he’s dying, and he _is_ , he’s holding death in his hands, and you don’t know how to convince him to choose you one last time.

 **_Please stand back now_** **,** he says, in that numb, numb way, and you find your feet stumbling backwards without meaning to. He looks at you. Same old JD, just a trifle wiser and an ocean sadder. He’s studying. Analysing. **_...Little further._ ** You shuffle back a few more steps as he shoos you, an absurd little gesture that is so very, very him.

He looks down at his chest, as if he’s only just realised that he’s wearing this mess of wires and plastic, and there’s a small shrug to the set of his shoulders as he looks back up with the saddest fucking smile: **_Don’t know what this thing’ll do._ **

Your hands are coming up, reaching out for him, and he holds the bomb like you want him to hold you. He’s _saving_ you. He’s saving you and he’s _not letting you_ save him. You're not sure if it’s even possible, but you don’t want to go on by yourself.

He casts his eyes down, flashes a sort of smile. **_Hope you’ll miss me._ ** Dark eyes, blown pupils, meet yours: **_Wish you’d kiss me._ ** And he winks. It’s not beautiful or sexy, more sad and stubborn, but it’s JD. Just as quick as the flash of bravado comes, it melts away, and once again he is that broken, bruised and bloodied boy, with the sad, sweet smile. **_Then you’d know I worship you. I’ll trade my life for yours._ **

No no no, you're guilty too, it’s not just him, you are _damaged_ and _afraid_ and you _do not want to go this alone_. His life is not worth yours, not when you so viciously deserved one another, you either both deserve to die or neither of you do, but he _cannot leave you alone like this_.

 **_And once I disappear, clean up the mess down here_**. That's not your job. That was both or neither of you too, you can’t make this beautiful on your own, and you don’t want to with anyone but him.

And then he whispers that phrase, that one little four-word phrase that has you running to him like it always has. **_Our love is God_** , he says, and you drop your ties to life to join him. If it is your love that has become a deity in itself, it is only fair you face judgement together. It feels like you lose time for a moment, because one instant you are far back as per request, and another you are in his arms and he is clutching to you hungrily, deliriously, and you’re kissing, a mess of blood, sweat, tears. You’re both grimy and disgusting and it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. At least you’re together.

 **_Our love is God_** , he gasps in between desperate kisses, and you hum it back into his skin as best you can. So you’re not going to get away from the blast fast enough. Fine. You’re going to die here. But you’re going to go together. Suddenly he’s pulling back, tugging the ever-present leather cord from around his neck and over your head, where his mother’s ring sits heavy against your chest. He smiles slightly as he studies you again, gives a sharp nod as if deciding that it suits you. **_Our love is God_** **,** he whispers into your hair, pressing another kiss to the crown of your head, before travelling down, taking another deep drag from your lips, gripping your hips, pulling you closer, tighter. You can hear beeping. The bomb. Are you in the final countdown?

JD stiffens; you can feel his muscles tense as the high-pitched sounds start. There’s another kiss, shorter this time, one that tastes like salt. **_Our love is God_** , he says, firmly, finally, and then suddenly his hands are on your chest, and you're stumbling backwards, and he’s walking back with his hands above his head, back to what he deems a safe distance, and you're sobbing because _nononononono you were supposed to go_ **_together_ ** _and he’s_ **_cheating_ ** _and you're not going to make it in time._

He stops. Smiles once more, that sad fucking smile, and there are tears pouring down his face as his right hand comes up to touch his lips. Like he’s remembering that yours were there only seconds ago.

There’s nothing you can do.

Except send him off.

“Say hi to God.” It’s not enough, it’s not beautiful or bright enough for your bright and beautiful boy, and it’s not good enough to be the last thing he ever hears, but there it is. As close to an _I love you_ as you can manage, but you think he understands, because the tension falls from him, and his smile looks so much more open and so much brighter, and then there is a loud noise, and

your world

falls

apart.

 


End file.
